Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On and point A Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! (I think
this is one we need to try at the office)

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addiction, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana"

6. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

10. Sing Along At The Opera.

11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache.

13. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

Yes We Can-Cer-Vive

Most of you know about the Relay for Life we participated in on May 2&3 in support of our friend, Holly Lapick, who is battling Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Holly has a body scan today, and we're all hoping and praying for positive results! She'll undergo her final chemo treatment on June 4, so to celebrate her battle, we're holding a benefit concert for her at Swallow's Inn in San Juan Capistrano.

Not only will you be treated to live entertainment, but you'll also have the opportunity to participate in a raffle, purchase "Yes We Can-Cer-Vive" t-shirts and bid on amazing goods in our silent auction!

WHEN: Saturday, June 20, from 2:30 - 6:30 p.m.
WHERE: Swallow's Inn * 31786 Camino Capistrano in San Juan Capistrano
COST: No cover charge, but bring cash for drinks, the raffle & auction (Proceeds will directly benefit Holly & her medical bills)

Silent auction & raffle items courtesy of:
South Coast Plaza, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Carat Cake Designs, Billabong, Mama's Boy, VonZipper, Oakley, Zyliss, and more!

Gardening for Dummies

Still haven't mastered the art of gardening? Well, fret no longer. The EasyBloom Plant Sensor helps you grow a perfect garden without all of the guesswork. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this corner too hot, too dark, or too dry?”, EasyBloom is for you. You will begin to garden with confidence. Instead of wondering which plants will thrive where, you will know for sure with EasyBloom.

This ingenious in-ground sensor reads and analyzes growing conditions in specific spots inside your home or in your yard. It measures sunlight, temperature, humidity, soil moisture and drainage. It even uses the same technology used on NASA's Mars Phoenix mission to measure the soil.

After a minimum of 24 hours, you just plug it into your computer USB port and watch as it turns readings into recommendations, listing plants sure to flourish in your exact environment. Narrow your search more by specifying desired bloom color or season, plant height, drought tolerant, deer resistant, and other features.

EasyBloom puts expert plant help in the palm of your hand:
• Access the EasyBloom database of 5,000+ plants (developed with the largest growers of plants and flowers)
• Find plants to thrive in every area of your home and garden, based on algorithms developed by leading plant horticulturalists and botanists
• End the discouraging cycle of trial-and-error planting
• Diagnose ailing plants and bring them back to health
• Keep inventory of your own plants for one-click plant care
• EasyBloom data is specifically calculated for the United States

Drink Your Vegetables

Never in a million years would I ever find myself saying this - I love V8 Fusion! Now, we're not talking the original tomato-based V8, but the "disguised" version that's blended with fruit juice - my kinda style. My favorite is the Pomegranate Blueberry.

Guess now matter how old we get, some people still need their vegetables hidden like our parents did when we were younger (or, what I do to my cats in order for them to take their pills).

Click here for a $1.00 off coupon.

Never Forgotton

As we remember those who fought for our country today, let's also remember those who are currently serving our country at home and over seas. This is increasingly important to me and Lee, as our nephew is currently training for desert warfare at 29 Palms, and will ship to Iraq in September. If you see a serviceman or servicewoman today or any day throughout the year, remember to express your gratitude for their service, despite your political beliefs.

As Ben Stein so wonderfully expressed (long, but worth the read):
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I 'slug' it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is 'eonlineFINAL,' and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a 'star' we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world..

A real star is the U..S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordinance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded.. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.

This Week in Pictures

I'm constantly amazed by how true the saying "A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words" is. A powerful picture can evoke hidden emotion and beauty with the click of a button. Every Friday, MSNBC.com publishes "This Week in Pictures," which are the best news images from around the world, as selected by the MSNBC staff.

Take a look and vote for your favorite each Friday. You'll be amazed!

The photo above is entitled "A tree grows in Australia"

Caption - A new tree sprouts in Marysville, Australia, on May 7, the three-month anniversary of "Black Saturday," the country's worst bushfires ever. The Feb. 7 fires killed 173 people and destroyed more than 2,000 homes.

At What Age...

is forgetting your purse and stuffing your personal affects in your bra acceptable? I find this process very amusing...and WEIRD! Furthermore, I never see any small busted ladies attempting this feat - only the well endowed females. What's up with that?

Ladies - if you decide that you need quick access to your belongings and don't want to lug a purse around, do us all a favor and carry a freakin' fanny pack or something. I'll still make fun of your "Canadian Passport" (AKA a fanny pack), but not as much as when I see you pull out your entire life's belongings from your Playtex 18-Hour Bra like clowns exiting a VW bug.

This whole post was initiated, because a culprit was captured by the Angels cameraman at last week's ballgame. Save us (and yourself) the embarrassment! Seriously. Stop it.

Count to Three

A couple of weeks ago when we were moving to a smaller office space I wondered who came up with "Count to Three?" Why count to three? Why not "on one?" Or, why not "count to five?" Was a one-count not enough time and a five count too long; therefore, setting for the middle of the road with three?

In so many aspects of life, we use the number three as our gauge for:
- Moving furniture ("Pick up the desk on three.")
- Taking pictures ("1, 2, 3...Cheese")
- When a little one is in trouble ("I'm going to count to three, Leslie!")
- During a race ("On your mark, get set, go.")
- For a countdown ("3, 2, 1...blastoff!")
- Cheering for our favorite team ("hip, hip, hooray or "three cheers for the Angels")

Other thoughts to ponder:
- Were two stooges not enough, so we added a third?
- Why is the third time always a charm?
- Why do they say deaths come in threes?
- Wasn't one blind mouse enough?
- Would a three-ring circus be any less entertaining with only one ring?
- Three-legged races would never exist
- Baseball would be a different game
- Two wise men weren't enough to meet Baby Jesus, so we had three
- Three's Company, unless you're into menage-a-tois

So, next time you're counting to three, think of me, me, me!

Turn a Black Thumb Green

With the help of Sunset's Plant Finder, you can quickly turn a black thumb green through a fool-proof quiz. The results will then indicate the best plants for your environment and plant handiness. Genius! Happy Gardening!

Hope You Enjoyed...

...my posts on the 26 ways to wellness. Now that those are done, I guess I better get my butt in gear to come up with new posts! Don't worry, I started a list of topics, so keep your eyes peeled for new blogs from Leslie's Lines.

Plus, if you're enjoying my posts, have suggestions or critiques, let me hear it by posting a comment. It makes it all worth my time when I hear from you!

26 Ways to Wellness - #26

ADOPT A PET
Pets have been shown to alleviate depression, boost immune function and decrease the risk of allergies, asthma and heart attacks. Animal owners also show higher levels of serotonin and dopamine, which increase happiness and lower blood pressure and heart rate.

Here's a pic of our two adopted kitties, Lily and Buster. They make us smile all the time.

26 Ways to Wellness - #25

DANCE LIKE THE STARS
Get into the hottest new fitness trend - Zumba. With a blend of Latin dance styles like salsa, samba and cha-cha, people of all ages are enjoying this fun and upbeat exercise class at their local gyms.

26 Ways to Wellness - #24

DISCOVER YOUR DOSHA
Considered the "healing side" of yoga, Ayurveda involves approaching each person individually to determine their constitution or "dosha" and then creates a personalized program to balance the body, mind and spirit.

26 Ways to Wellness - #23

STAY ON TRACK
Keeping track of your workouts can leave you running in circles. With the help of the new Garmin Forerunner 405, you can track your route with its GPS system and chart your progress on your home computer.

26 Ways to Wellness - #22

READ THE ART OF HAPPINESS

26 Ways to Wellness - #21

FOLLOW YOUR NOSE
Wellness may be just a sniff away. Anxiety, fear, joy, depression and anger can be altered by the release of essential oils.

Lavender and eucalyptus are a couple of my favorite stress-reducing scents.

26 Ways to Wellness - #20

DAYDREAM
1. Make a wish
2. Write it down
3. Say it out loud
4. Visualize yourself achieving your goal
5. Repeat regularly

26 Ways to Wellness - #19

PRAISE YOUR CHILD
Problems on the report card may be an indicator of teen depression. Psychologists suggest that praising your child's skills in other areas (athletics, music, interpersonal skills) can help elevate self-perceptions and prevent depression.

26 Ways to Wellness - #18

CHECK YOUR REFLEXES
Reflexology is an ancient Chinese healing art based on the idea that different points on the feet correspond with specific areas of the body. Manipulating these pressure points redistributes and rebalances a person's chi and also increases circulation, while relieving stress.

26 Ways to Wellness - #17

NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Massage works wonders for aching muscles and it has even been shown to raise levels of a key antibody in healthy women; but it can also improve your relationship. One way to experience this is through a couples massage. In addition to feeling good, partners can experience released tension, stronger feelings of connectedness and increased intimacy.

26 Ways to Wellness - #16

TEAM UP
Intramural sports leagues aren't just for kids - they also benefit adults. They're great for fun, exercise, community involvement and friendships. Whether you're looking for recreational fun or a little competitive play, check out the different offerings in your area.

26 Ways to Wellness - #15

DO YOUR BODY GOOD
Confused by all the options in the dairy isle? Choosing what type of milk to drink can be tough. The key to picking what's best for you is a personal preference. Rice and soy milk are good alternatives for those suffering from lactose intolerance, but make sure you choose a brand that is fortified, since both contain less calcium and protein than cows' milk. If you prefer the taste of the real deal, always buy organic, ultra-pasteurized and hormone-free.

26 Ways to Wellness - #14

EAT PROBIOTICS
Probiotics are the good bacteria in your digestive tract that help your body absorb nutrients, ease inflammation, promote a healthy immune system and even lift your mood. Look for fermented foods like yogurt and aged cheese rather than packaged or fortified foods like cereals. Activia Yogurt by Dannon is a good example.

26 Ways to Wellness - #13

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE
Emotions can be transmitted from person to person just like germs - a phenomenon called "emotional contagion." It's just one more reason to smile.

26 Ways to Wellness - #12

BE A BIODYNAMIC BEAUTY
Go beyond organic in your beauty routine and opt for products that are made using biodynamic agricultural practices - a holistic, sustainable system of farming that focuses on the interrelationship between the soil, plants and animals.

26 Ways to Wellness - #11

GIVE GOJI BERRIES A GO
Used in traditional Chinese medicine for more than 6,000 years, goji berries (a.k.a. wolf berries) have been used in Tibet and Mongolia to fight disease and life the spirit. More recently, gojis have been shown to preserve vision, protect the liver, boost immunity, improve circulation, and reduce morning sickness in pregnant women. The cranberry-colored berries are a powerhouse of potent antioxidants and are recognized as having the highest nutrient content of all lycium berries on Earth. Find them at your local whole foods or organic market.